Where do I look for something I can't find?
Last weekend was the 24-7 Prayer International Leader's Gathering, up in lovely London. I think that Intense is the best word to sum up those 2 1/2 days. It was back-to-back challenges of how I think, how I pray, and how I act... Message of the weekend, direct from God, seems to be "be more of a Mary and less of a Martha". (For those who don't speak Christian-ese, Martha hustled and bustled whilst Mary sat at Jesus' feet and adored Him).
That sums up a lot of my life right now - SO much focus on what I'm doing, it seems that my prayer life has fallen by the wayside a little. Of course I can produce reasons/excuses for this aplenty - new Job + new flat = new routine = high stress + high pressure with freshers week approablah blah blah. Reasons aside, if I'm not talking to God, then I'm not living my life how I want to - I'm not guilt tripping myself - I don't agree with that, I'm just saying that reasons are relatively pointless if the end product is the opposite of something I want my life to be about.
deepness:
Here's the problem. I want to want to pray. I want to have a good relationship with God, I want to intercede for the people I love, for the ministries and groups I have in my heart. BUT I cant get that rhythm. I start off, and it screws up after a few weeks at best, a couple of days at worst. Then I spend a good deal of time not praying, then I start the whole process again.
I keep asking God: "God I can't do this, I need your help, I need you to light that fire in me to want to pray, so it's what I want to do, not what i'm forcing myself to do"
Christian-ese aside, I can't feel the passion for something i REALLY want to feel passion for.
How do I find it? I've asked for it, and can't seem to hear God's answer. It becomes very easy to feel like a faux Christian when I'm not praying... (btw i know that's not true, but it can feel that way sometimes)
Has anyone else experienced something like this? Please comment if you can offer any advice, any at all...
C
posted by BigChris @ 11:14 pm
4 comments
4 Comments:
So are many at the moment honey, press into Him, did you read my post bout those wells I saw? God will fill us when we ask, just keep asking. I will certainly pray. We should start sunday nights again me thinks. Love you xxx
I was defo feeling like that, indeed, have been for ages.
Christophe - dude at church - was saying on sunday how we should hope in God - for what is unseen. That breeds faith - that He will be faithful to his promises, and we will truly see all that we have hoped for. And that isn't a tall order - cos all we have to do is take baby steps.
And i like that idea - something i've been praying about this week - cos I wanted to fast - to get right back in front of God - but I didn't have anything like the spiritual discipline to see it through. So instead I've taken baby steps - to the point that last night I was out in my garden, gazing at the stars - and then I was completely awestruck and started praying loads.
And today, I need to take a baby step - to pursue God a little further.
Me and Dan were wondering about Friday nights again - or another night, but the same idea, or similar - or rather - just getting together and praying.
Yeh I would say that i could identify with what you are saying!! I think that it is really easy to almost try to hard. Like you say, you can know that it doesn't make you a 'faux christian' but it can still feel that way. To be honest, I am a complete perfectionist and, especially with grades, I can get quite down on myself. With God, more and more each day I learn that I can't earn his love and the more it penetrates my heart, the more natural it all becomes. My advice is that if you think 'I should pray' or say to someone 'we should pray' do it there and then...know it sounds simple and you probably do it anyway but i find it works...if you say later it is less likely to happen...sorry for the rant!!
remember me. you kinda dropped of the planet of my world... but maybe that's cause both of our worlds have had a major overhaul recently. crazy.
anyway. i hear what you're saying. i've felt like this a couple times since i've been at the "international house of prayer"... the very place in the world you're supposed to be praying, RIGHT... well, not always, i'm finding.
doing the job, doing the school, doing the "spiritual things", ironically keep us far from his voice and that's paining. i know one thing is for sure, its a mixture of both... you need God to want God, and that comes by praying to Him to help you do it and to help you want to do it. and also you need to force yourself to sometimes. its "both-and"... as some very lame people here always say... but its true. discipline is key when you don't feel it, and crying on his silent shoulder with a plea is necessary all the time.
hope this helps. i'm finding my way out of my own dark hole if it makes you feel any better... but He's breaking through, i know i can't make it happen. he's a gracious God. Flip yeah!
miss ya mate, shannon
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