Where do I look for something I can't find?

Last weekend was the 24-7 Prayer International Leader's Gathering, up in lovely London. I think that Intense is the best word to sum up those 2 1/2 days. It was back-to-back challenges of how I think, how I pray, and how I act... Message of the weekend, direct from God, seems to be "be more of a Mary and less of a Martha". (For those who don't speak Christian-ese, Martha hustled and bustled whilst Mary sat at Jesus' feet and adored Him).

That sums up a lot of my life right now - SO much focus on what I'm doing, it seems that my prayer life has fallen by the wayside a little. Of course I can produce reasons/excuses for this aplenty - new Job + new flat = new routine = high stress + high pressure with freshers week approablah blah blah. Reasons aside, if I'm not talking to God, then I'm not living my life how I want to - I'm not guilt tripping myself - I don't agree with that, I'm just saying that reasons are relatively pointless if the end product is the opposite of something I want my life to be about.

deepness:

Here's the problem. I want to want to pray. I want to have a good relationship with God, I want to intercede for the people I love, for the ministries and groups I have in my heart. BUT I cant get that rhythm. I start off, and it screws up after a few weeks at best, a couple of days at worst. Then I spend a good deal of time not praying, then I start the whole process again.

I keep asking God: "God I can't do this, I need your help, I need you to light that fire in me to want to pray, so it's what I want to do, not what i'm forcing myself to do"

Christian-ese aside, I can't feel the passion for something i REALLY want to feel passion for.

How do I find it? I've asked for it, and can't seem to hear God's answer. It becomes very easy to feel like a faux Christian when I'm not praying... (btw i know that's not true, but it can feel that way sometimes)

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Please comment if you can offer any advice, any at all...

C

Relegations, Re-climatization and Drum Practice

Ok, so some people in my "blogs i read" list have not been using their blogs. you are hereby relegated to my bookmarks tab - people may no longer find you through my blog! to those who have made the coveted list, congratulations! hehe i'm only a little big-headed!

So I'm back from Ibiza, and have been since last saturday, and a fairly weird thing is happening - I've been jet-lagged. Even there's only a 1 hour time difference, because the mission stuff we were doing was from 11pm-4am (or later if needs be), breakfast at midday, that kind of routine, my body doesnt like this this whole office hours thing i'm re-imposing on it. I'm more or less over it now though, so its not so bad any more! I just fancied an e-whinge ;-)

This weekend im off to the tropical paradise of Keele for a training weekend with the NPC MSC. Should be interesting to see all of the guys who I met at the conference...

I also just bought a snare drum practice pad and stand, so i can be working on my technique without death threats from the neighbours... anytime soon i'll be a real drummer!

Right, im off to waste some time on Joe's Xbox.

C

P.S. I recently got a sitemeter account, so i can see who reads my blog... who is it who's reading me in Stoke-on-Trent?? as far as i know i dont know anyone from there! comment, or email me please! its driving me crazy trying to work out if i know you!

P.P.S. clicky