lux?

So, as things start to feel even worse (Man, this whingey blog-style must be boring you - it's boring me!) I'm getting nearer and nearer to this point of desperation that was spoken over me. For those of you who i haven't spoken to about that, Joy (a prophet in our church) told me this a while ago:

"God wants you to be desperate for Him. It may well be that the reason that you're finding it hard to hear from Him is that He wants you to want Him more - to be in a place of desperate longing for His presence."

Those words felt more comforting than any words of comfort that have been offered to me about this situation. I don't know why, because, if you read between the lines it says this:

"If it's not over, it's probably going to get worse"

But nonetheless, it felt comforting. And I have a feeling that's because it's what God was saying.

So things have got worse since the last post. I've been quite badly hurt by someone who I trusted very deeply. And it's left me desperate, deep in my heart. for something. I'm sure that it is God that i am desperate for deep down, but I'm still struggling to put 2 and 2 together in my head.

But some very good friends have been praying for me, and offered me 2 things - i, a word from God about the situation, and also Psalm 42. I've spent quite a bit of time in there recently... but it was good to be offered it as an encouragement.... particularly:

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.


Please let this be the light at the end.

Please.

Blessed Be Your Name

A much-overused song in recent years... I get the feeling that the worship leaders in our church were starting to feel that it had got a little tired due to this overuse, and we haven't used it very much at all over the last year...

But we did today. And it opened up to a whole new level for me. I've always understood what Matt Redman meant by the 'road marked with suffering' and 'pain in the offering' lines, but it's not really meant anything deep to me when i've sung it bofore - it was always something of a promise to God that, if I was in a hard place, I would still worship Him.

As you can see from my past posts, my life isn't exactly great at the moment. spiritually, physically, relationally, sometimes it feels as though all the good stuff is crumbling around me. A lot of that is probably in my head. Or maybe it isn't. Still, the point is, it's hard to find good stuff sometimes. And sometiems when I think I've found something good, it goes away as fast as it arrives.

So why am i just doing more feel-sorry-for-myself ramblings? When I saw the words to this song up on the wall today, i had to think. I had to very deliberately say (in my head) God, I'm going to worship You now.

And there was pain in the offering. lots. I had tears in my eyes as a was declaring that God was good even though my life feels so shit, But it's the truth. Or what I've decided to believe as truth, at least.

I continue to look for a light at the end of the tunnel.