weird things...

Does anybody, anybody at all have any idea what a podcast actually is? it's right there on my iTunes toolbar, and i seem to bump into them everytime i search the music store but nowhere can i find what they are or what they do, and (most importantly) how much they're gonna cost me if i click on the wrong button...

anyone?

random pic of me for my profile...

Blocks

Against my better judgement, i decided to sack the revision this afternoon and head home from the library for the afternoon prayer meeting that we host at my house. SO glad i did. God's presence was totally awesome for several hours. Mike and I especially were totally struck down and whilst i spent most of the time in tears, he couldn't stop laughing. must have been a weird scene to walk in on...

Anyway, God spoke some stuff to me today. I've found it hard recently to put into words how i'm feeling, so God gave me a picture in my head which i tried to recreate on the whiteboard (posted below). maybe this can help you understand where i've been for the last 9 months. trying to walk, whilst dragging enormous stone blocks behind me of stuff like what i want to do with my life (my will), the stuff i struggle with in my life (my sin) and the things that worry, upset and scare me (my cares). After i drew this up on the board, i looked at it and saw myself and cried. "no wonder i feeling under pressure" i thought - and it really feels to me like the picture shows it - the scale of the blocks compared with me...

When i had let out a lot of built-up emotion, God spoke this to me - "Child, my yoke is easy and my burden is light". I know these words to be true, they're in Matthew, i've read them dozens of times. But, as one of my favourite film quotations goes:

"There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path...."

As i let the words sink in, i broke, again, and found tears streaming down my face, again. out of thankfulness to God for showing me the far easier way. out of sorrow for my stupidity and inability to trust God with those big stone blocks. out of the feeling of relief of having those reins taken off.

Thought for the Day: Don't carry your own blocks. Leave them at the cross. "They that hope in the Lord shall soar on wings like eagles. They shall run and not be weary, and walk and not be faint." and they shan't drag big chuffin' blocks neither.

Me...

coming back to the heart of worship...

Isn't God awesome?

you can almost totally ignore Him for over a month, and His grace extends so far as to let you pick up where you left off.

not that this is always the case, but today it is so.

after the diss got in on Wed, i decided it was time to turn over a new leaf. or pick an old one back up. re-starting the spiritual disciplines i had picked up last term, only to drop when i went home for the holidays...

So yesterday i did my daily readings, and gave God a decent amount of time in prayer. so far so good today - still need to pray, but the usual time is before bed so im still on track.

God, in His awesome grace, mercy and power touched my heart in so many ways this evening i literally lost count. Renewed passion for worship, renewed passion for the lost, renewed passion for justice (BIGTIME on this one - Amos 5:21-24), renewed understanding of "giving everything to God" and also renewed way in which i approach things. managed to surrender my hot-headedness in favour of biting my tongue and praying. twice. in one evening. (is that a new record?)


Anyway, the point is this; God is so awesome its beyond contemplation - i'm trying to come up with some way to describe how im feeling right now as a result of what hes done over the last 6 hours and im drawing a blank.

night night.


C

Done Done Done!

It's freakin finished!

I have successfully handed in my literature review! 50% of my dissertation is out of the way! God came thru - prayers were answered - what was i even stressed about??

even got it in 22 hours early. smugness.

right. I'm going to be good. i'm going to avoid all temptation to revise, and get down to some hardcore procrastintion.

revision starts tomorow - i need a break. in fact i need my bed. does anyone know if you have to get no sleep at all for it to qualify as insomnia - i'm averaging 2-3 hours sleep a night, with about 7 hours spent in bed... thats not healthy, right? hopefully it was the pressure of the essay, and i'll sleep ok now its handed in - i'm going to conduct some research right now in fact.

laters

C

Music...

hmmm... it looks like my last post didn't work... maybe i dont understand this blogging thing as well as i had hoped. or maybe i clicked the wrong button. no matter, it was only a whinge about my work anyway.

anyway...

every couple of months, i am reminded at just HOW GOOD some classical music is. it normally happens during coursework time, which is when i have some on as background working music.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not exactly a connoisseur - i only own 2 cd's of "the best classical moments ever" and "the best of beethoven", along with a couple of Puccini operas. neither can I understand music like my housemates and dad can, but i've been struck with the passion that these composers manage to convey with this music. im currently listening to the glorious ninth at an obscenely loud volume, and the triumphal noise blowing out of my speakers has totally changed my mood today...

i freely admit that this type of music is not for me all (or even most) of the time, but it makes me wonder - what have we lost? music that has the potential to do this to a persons mood, to completely change the general feeling of a room, and to fill the air in a concert hall even when its being played fairly quietly surely stomps all over 'music' which contains lyrics like "zig-a-zig ahhh" and "wave your hands in the air like you just don't care"... when people can write a symphony about the concept of joy that brings tears to my eyes when im not even giving it my full attention, why is everything today about sex? I'm sure sex is great... but other subjects are far and away more powerful to create art about...


and while i'm on the subject, where is God in today's music scene? i not necessarily saying that we should be hearing Matt Redman on radio 1, but how many of our worship songs glorify God with at least a percentage of the grandure that He's due?

Listen to the Hallelujah Chorus sometime, i mean *really* listen to it - try and forget every time its been over-used, mis-used, parodied and so on, and listen to it freshly as a piece of worship music. there's a reason that King whoever-he-was got to his feet the first time he heard it. Its the same reason that i struggle to stay off my knees when i listen to it with that attitude.

back to work. damnit.

thought for the day: "there is nothing new under the sun" Ecclesiastes. we as a generation seem to be crediting ourselves with creating all this new worship music for the glory of God. ok it's new in the sense that no-one has written exactly that song before, but are we really pushing the boundaries of praise as much as we think we are? let's compare our generation's music with music by Handel, Vivaldi and Charles Wesley to name but a few worship leaders... is it possible that this groundbreaking praise music is actually getting more mundane in the long run? i wonder what the psalms would have sounded like in the Temple....

God bless... please feel free to comment and tell me if you think im wrong.

C

everything's working!

ok, picture this: you have a 4000 word lit review to complete in 7 days. you havent started writing it. your research is shaky at best. you know you have to start working intensely hard very soon.

You sit down at your computer in the morning, ready to start work and suddenly everything goes to hell on the screen. congratulations Mr Whittaker, you have a worm! yay!!!!!

Not what i needed.

Fortunately computer-smashing urges were avoided, and i turned the bloody thing off and fled to the library, spending the next 2 days reading the research papers and hand-writing a plan. And then, this morning the Lord sent the answer to the frustrated, why-would-you-do-this-to-me-now prayers: in the form of Ian (who has henceforth earned the title of the greatest genius who has ever lived). after about 4 hours of doing clever things he cured my computer and - praise God! - i can work on my dissertation again!

in fact, to be totally honest, the work i got done in the library was really useful and may not have been so productive had i stuck here and tried to do it. maybe this is a case of - *gulp* dare i say it - God knowing better than me?

how long is it gonna take me to learn this lesson?

Anyway, God is good, my computer is fixed and i have a lot of words to write.

where's the coffee?

God Bless

C

Lost - the plot?

those of you who know my TV watching habits will know that the only thing i MUST watch at the moment is Lost. actually almost everything else on TV i couldnt care less for. except maybe the odd simpsons episode and Gordon Ramsay show :-)

anyway, i've just sat through 2 fairly disappointing episodes of Lost - and these are supposed to be the season finale?

flashbacks of people getting on the plane? newsflash - we knew they were on the plane - thats how they got on the island! and how long did it take for them to get the dynamite from the ship to the hatch? i must have watched an eisode and a half of people walking through the jungle. not much impressed so far.

ok, so it was pretty cool when Walt was taken, but that makes for about 5 cool minutes in 2 hours. in fact, now i think of it, i havent been hugely impressed with Lost for a few weeks now.

Maybe this is the Lord confirming that i shouldn't have a TV when i finish uni - a fact i have suspected for a while now. i'm not even using my one for anything other than movies anyway, the communal one is the only one with an arial...

anyone wants a free TV let me know...

anyway, all i can say is i hope the second series starts off like the first one started... not like it finished.

serious lack of motivation

Having gotten my previous essay in only 2 1/2 hours late yesterday, the focus shifts to my almighty mother-of-an-essay lit review... actually its only 4000 words, but it may as well be 40000 since i struggle with writing 2000. hmph. and its in for 8 days time. something tells me that the next week is going to be a little stressy... No matter. All will be over and done with soon...

Frustratingly enough though, its not just the work that i don't have motivation for - i can't seem to conjure up motivation for very much at all right now - reading my bible, praying, reading for pleasure, writing to people, and all kinds of other stuff... not that i was ever very good at any of this stuff, but right now i really can't get to grips with WANTING to do any of it... i just hope (and pray) that its a syndrome of having this much work, and nothing more long-lasting. cos it sucks.

Laughing gas in Brighton

what an interesting weekend....

Saturday was a great day, i spent most of the day here not doing work, then had a really good evening with dan and andy in the house and then on to the terminal for hana's birthday and then.... convinced myself to go to Jesters.

For those of you who dont know, Jesters was voted the 2nd worst nightclub in the country (although the winner has now closed apparently) and every few months or so, i convince myself that going down there will be a good idea. i generally have a crap time, being surrounded by a heaving crowd of drunk students, unable to dance for flailing elbows and slipping in puddles of stale booze and (if you're lucky) vomit. i make it home swearing that i'll never go again, and then it takes me a few months to forget my oath and the whole process starts again.

Sunday... it was the christmas do for the bar i worked in until recently (bartenders have to celebrate christmas in january cos we're busy helping everyone else celebrate it in december ;-)) which consisted of : going to brighton, chilling during the day, on to Audio on the seafront for free booze all night and then to a free hotel to sleep it all off. flipping brilliant. i got introduced to the wonder that is laughing gas for recreational purposes in Audio - its quite a funny feeling actually - uncontrollable giggling with a tingly face for about thirty seconds, then back to normal. great fun! (and all legal - where has this been all my life?!!)

shame though - even though the company had put us up in a very chic hotel for the night, comfy beds, fluffy pillows and all that, i didnt sleep all that well due to red bull-induced nightmares. i must stop drinking things that kill me...

got back here monday afternoon, very tired and feeling fairly rough - needing to write about 2000 words for tuesday lunchtime. (by the way, its now after midnight and ive written less than 1000). and joy of joys, i've just found out that i wrote the wrong date in my diary and it was actually due in lunchtime today. oh dear. still, at least i can sleep now - i've already got a days penalty, which means i dont have to hand it in till 4pm tomorrow. which is why im blogging. it all makes sense in my head somewhere.

tara for now, send psychological thoughts my way

C

New Year's Resolution...

So, if i believed in new year's resolutions, this would be my one for 2006: Start Blogging.

Maybe its in the vain hope that someone wants to read about my life...

Maybe its so i can get out of writing multiple emails and letters to keep in touch with people: "Just read my blog" (hmmh upturned eyebrows about how personal that may be, but at least i'll only have to write stuff once, and for someone as lazy as me, thats a definate plus)

Or maybe its so i can attempt to learn this complex and foreign language of the internet! (htmwhat??)

Either way, welcome to my blog, if i havent posted on it recently then email or text me pestering me to keep up with my new years resolution!

God Bless everyone

C